That I spend my time watching movies/film is a gross understatement and of that time spent, most fall under the genre of gay cinema. "Gay cinema" - talk about gross statements. We've all been spoon fed the timeless maxim that art imitates life and while I tend to agree, I also shudder at what this means for the gay community. In the event that you aren't entirely certain on where we currently stand, all you need to do is thumb through the latest TLA catalog or shuffle through a few pages of the Gay & Lesbian section on Netflix. Here you will find that most movie covers are ornamented with at least one - if not a group - of nearly naked men. Again, we come to another timeless tenet: don't judge a book by a cover. Well, thankfully these aren't books. The content of most of these films tend to be just as sexually saturated as the cover might suggest. Now, don't get me wrong: I'm very much a fan of movies where the protagonist is a 6'3", toned, dark haired Adonis wielding a 7.5" - well nevermind - but I enjoy it when it falls under the porn genre.
It seems, though, that filmmakers are taking far too many cues from the porn industry and integrating it into as much cinema as possible. This creates a series of problems. The first being that a number of gay films actually do cast porn or hopeful porn actors into these films. If there is one thing we all enjoy about porn - besides the obvious I mean - is the stellar acting quality exuded by these "actors". So you might be saying to yourself, "Well, maybe if the plot is engaging and compelling, I might be able to overlook the stilted dialogue and often constipated look of the acting ensemble when attempting to execute said dialogue." Right. And if you are able to overlook her laundry list of legal transgressions and gushing bat shit craziness, Lindsay Lohan might be a good person.
There is good reason, my friends, that the plot of gay cinema also fails to be its saving grace. I am going to let you in on a little Hollywood secret and after my brief tutorial, you too can draft your own screen play! So, here we go. In order to write your own gay screenplay, just follow these few simple steps.
1. Protagonist: Choose ONE: Gay man OR Lesbian....
2. Setting: ...moves to (Choose ONE) New York City OR L.A...
3. Plot: ...because (Choose ONE) they want to be an actor/actress OR oppressive community/family OR spontaneous decision to "find themselves".
4. Character sketch: You may choose more than one, but I would suggest no more than two. 1. AIDS Victim 2. Closet Case 3. Drug Addict 4.Drag Queen/Transgendered 4.Prostitute/Male escort
5.Plot twist: this typically involves the "romance" portion of the film. (Choose ONE) Main Protagonist 1.Falls in love with 1.AIDS Victim 2. Closet Case 3. Drug Addict 4. Drag Queen/Trangendered 4. Prostitute/Male Escort 5. A Heterosexual. Please make sure that character sketch options and plot twist selections are not corresponding otherwise, how will the nail biting question of "How will such two polar opposites ever be happy together?" ever develop? (Yes, my stomach is turning too)
6.Denoument: Choose ONE: 1. Protagonist dies. 2. Love interest dies. 3. Both die.
6a....by means of, (and feel free to get creative here because even though the options are limited you can mix and match): 1. Murder 2. Suicide 3. Overdose. We can pause for a moment here and look at what our options might be. Murder: sure that's an easy one. A trigger happy/stabby neighbor/parent/religious group/angry lover could do the trick. Suicide: well c'mon, all fags and dykes are eternally depressed. But lets look at what COULD be. We could do a murder/suicide. You're protagonist could be so in love with a hetero and decide that if he/she/it can't have him/her then no one can! As a result your protagonist just can't take the cruel world anymore and goes out in a blaze of Dido-esque glory impaling him/herself with a sword. (Don't worry about the symbolism here - it words for any gender). Or we can do the classic Romeo and Juliet/Thelma & Louise scenario and decide that life is too cruel (yes cruel again) to live if we can't have one another/it's a man's world baby and just swan dive off a cliff while doing shots of Red Bull and Clorox. Have some fun with it! This is the most important part of your film as it's what viewers are going to remember because THE BULK OF GAY CINEMA BLURS INTO ITSELF!
Gay cinema is anomalous to baking Christmas cookies. Sure you might have a few different shapes and a couple different colors of frosting, but the combinations are few and VERY finite. The novelty runs dry VERY quickly. And perhaps the most crucial thing to remember: it ALL tastes the same going in and is indistinguishable coming out.
So please, Hollywood, future filmmakers, aspiring screen writers, stop playing mad libs with gay cinema. It just hurts.
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